Friday, 11 May 2018

Running Positive

Tomorrow, I embark on yet another attempt at losing weight and gaining strength. I wonder if this time it'll stick? I feel positive and that's a good mindset to go into these things. A couple year ago now I joined a running group to get myself running a 5km. It was great. I had a group of people on the same journey as me. We were in all different abilities but those of us who stuck to the program all did well. I caught up with the fast runners and eventually we were all on an even playing field. My best was doing an 8km as part of our pre 5km race build up. It was such a good feeling. I thought I'd finally cracked it. Here I was. A runner. Finally something I achieved. I did my 5km race on the final Saturday in 38 minutes. I didn't care that I was slow I was so proud of myself for going the distance and I was proud of my running mates. We were all so elated with ourselves, we signed up for the follow on group which helps you train to run a faster 5km. The same faces were there and we all went faster and harder. It felt so good. A new group of beginners joined and we all felt like we raced past them. All commenting how just 6 weeks ago we could all barely run 500 meters and how we all knew how the beginners felt and were so excited for what they were about to embark on. 

We ran fast we ran easy we ran and we ran and then I ran a little too fast and I had to walk to the end of my run. Why did my leg feel so weird. Why couldn't I put any weight on it? The physio on the training team thought I may have pulled a muscle and to rest up for a few days and if it doesn't get better that I'd have to go get it checked out. It didn't get better. I couldn't walk properly. I felt like a penguin when I walked. After a few days, I finally conceded. I went to the physio. He assessed me and gave me the bad news. I'd tore my calf muscle and would need to give up on the running for at least 6 weeks. I felt so defeated. I was two weeks away from my faster 5km and I couldn't even run it. 10 weeks of hard  work down the drain. By the time I was able to run again I would be back at beginner ability again. I had physio and my leg got better and I was able to hop on one leg again. My physio suggested I do some barefoot beach jogs and build up my foot strength and work my calves. He said it would help me be a better runner. I wanted to go back and run with the group again but I knew I wouldn't be able to keep up with them. I was back to a rhino stomping through treacle stage again. I decided I had all the tools to get myself back to a good place and I could do it on my own. 

Who was I kidding? 

I ran a bit, I ran a bit further, I ran really far but I never ran the whole way. I'd stop to take walking breaks. I just couldn't get back to running. Then I stopped being so consistent. Life got in the way. I got demotivated. All this effort was getting me nowhere. I wanted to get back to being good again before I joined the group. I wanted to run a 10km I wanted to hit my next milestone but I couldn't even reach the first one.  I was a failure. I gave up for a bit. I lost all the fitness I had managed to gain again. I found some more running articles. I decided I'd try something different. My sister was getting married and I had to now lose some weight for the photos. I didn't want to be the little lump on the side. I was ashamed of how I looked. I spent so much time fretting about being a failure I ran out of time. I joined a last minute 3 week fitness bootcamp with a trainer and I worked my arse off but it really was too little too late. It was enough to help me feel more confident but again not consistent enough or long enough to make any tangible sort of difference. 

Time went on again and life happened and again I was left looking at myself in the mirror and not liking what I saw. I decided to give the running a go again. With renewed enthusiasm and a new training plan I set out. but I got tired after work and some days the weather was rubbish so I gave it up again pretty quickly. I saw an ad on fb about a trainer offering 6 weeks pt sessions. He's pretty buff and I figure you don't get like that by accident. So I had a look at his offering. He had a fb group based around self love and he's written a book and has a few worksheets and articles worth reading over. It's a different approach about loving the body you're in and redefining why you're working out and that if you learn to love your body then you'll be more motivated to put good things into it and want to exercise more as an act of self love. The weight loss and appearance are all perks of the inner transformation. I had a 45 minute phone session with him talking about my goals and why I want to lose weight and what are the things that hold me back and why I think I keep failing to maintain any sort of consistent work out. 

I really do feel more positive about this time. I have someone in my corner and will show me what to do and help me work on loving myself. This guy comes across as more of a life coach than a pt and it's still weird for me to accept that he's just a genuinely nice person who wants to help people. Only time will tell but I'm having my first session tomorrow. I feel like this is exactly what I've been looking for. Someone to hold me accountable to keep me on a steady path toward a healthier body. I've been so negative about my poor body for so long but it's not my body's fault it looks the way it does. I'm the one that's been shoving rubbish down it's throat and not moving about enough. 

I don't know why I hate myself so much but I think it's a good time to start learning how to love myself irrespective of shape of the body I'm in. I can never expect to be happy if I can't be happy with who I am first. Nobody can be happy if they're constantly being put down. Time to shut up that horrible nasty inner voice of mine.